Saturday, January 31, 2015

Can't breathe ............

I am numb ...... 

On the 9th September 2013 I wrote a very confused post about an artist that I met and the effect his work had on me…Little did I know that day! He entered my life like a hurricane and left the same way…..He came in and carved love on my heart, and then he left, he went home where he belongs…to the stars and the heavens above…..

Before I met him I was so focused on my work, my studies…I was running through life without enjoying, without stopping to smell the roses…as if I was on a self-destruction mission. Our special journey started that day, as I fell in love with no hope of going back…I did not believe in love, and here I was mesmerized by this man …Why?

How could I not? He was an artist, a successful business man, a loving friend, a chef, a designer, a baker, an idealist, a philosopher, a poet….But most important he was GENUINE. He followed his heart and his principles till the end of the time, he could see beauty in the darkest times, and he could see the light even if it was raining darkness all around……He was a great man worthy of a book ……

We shared so many moments of joy but also sadness. I never thought I could spend months of my life caring for someone with terminal cancer, yet I did, and it was a great period of my life. Because he made it all so ‘fun’, even thought he was the one suffering, he would put on a brave face for all of us, and act as if he was the healthiest man on Earth. I will never forget the 1st time we went to the hospital together, I was so shocked and sad to see people dying all around me. An 18 floors hospital dedicated to cancer. I could never be more thankful to all the doctors and nurses that dedicate their lives to saving these people.

So our routine began, each week tests, then chemo, then drugs after drugs … I moved to Canada to be next to him and support him, even though my own life was falling into pieces, I invested myself body and soul, and if I had to, I would do it all over again with the same love and care.  And even though he was tired, and unwell, he never lost his faith in life, his principles and his love.

At times I would hide in the bathroom and cry, because I didn't want him to see me, or I would talk behind his back with his family and friends about how worried I was, or how good he was doing….He was such a stubborn man, oh how many nights did I spend worrying, and he wouldn't let me call his doctors….He always had to do it his way, and I loved him for that, even though at times he would drive me insane and worried.

We used to spend hours staring out the window, and talking. I would always hope he would get in a mood to tell me stories or ideas, dreams….because they were all so unique, so pure, so true and close to his heart. I felt like I was living a dream, a story, as if it wasn't real most of the time.

I remember how I used to trick him into eating, or when we had cooking competitions…..I was even allowed to go alone into his little ‘heaven’ and create myself, he let me bake…..If you knew Manoucher, you will know what this means… much it meant for him, but also for me.

On our good days we used to go for long walks in London, discover little gems all over the place, and spend time with his family & friends….listen to stories, smell the roses. He also had so much fun watching me get into arguments with the border patrol, or dance around naked ……

Like any relationship we had fights, and arguments, because we were so different yet so similar…’s hard to describe.

I gave myself to him and I learned how to love again, to love life , to love myself…..There are so many stories to tell, I could probably write a book, and so many things I would never share with the world , because they are so private and close to my heart. My life with him was a different level of living and perceiving everything around.

Here I am today, alone again, thinking of him day in and out…Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes, sometimes I smile by remembering his smile…. I am lucky I love my work, and it keeps me so busy, yet sometimes I stare at my screen and hold my tears back, they just come for no reason of when I least expect it. Some days I am so numb, like it is not happening, expecting for him to call me any moment. Sometimes I feel so guilty for smiling, for living life without him. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to tell him how much I loved him, and last time we talked he was angry with me because I simply did not want to leave his side.

On the last 100 metres he pushed me away, and I was so hurt. I have given up everything for him, yet he didn't want me there anymore. It took me a while to understand he was doing it to protect me. He didn't want me to see him go…..It was hard to accept but I always respected his wish……even though it killed me inside.

He was such a mysterious man, and his ways were so complicated to the simple mind, I know that he will always be here with me, and   I know that his impact on my life did not stop the moment he stopped breathing, I know and I feel it in my heart that this was a great chapter of my book, that was meant to change my life…….

As I write this I feel sad, and guilty and I have so many regrets, but at the same time I know it was out of my hands, I cannot fight nature when it’s calling….
I don’t really know what I am supposed to feel, or what I am supposed to do. I drown myself in work, and I know he would be very proud to see me succeed. Sometimes I try and go out and enjoy, and sometimes I do, but then I come home and cry for hours feeling guilty. The only way I can feel I can let go of the anger is dancing, but then I feel guilty for dancing and letting go…..

I have the feeling that this is not over, a weird feeling that something must happen, or maybe I just need to say my goodbye, but I don’t know how and I don’t want to….I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to forget….. I know that he wanted me to live my life, and he told me so , but I didn't want to listen ….and I know that my happiness would make him happy , when he is watching over me from the Heaven above, but I am not ready……

I feel so lonely and sad, once you let yourself loved it’s hard to live without it.

I know that time will heal, and I know he will always be in heart, yet the pain I feel right now…….

I see you in everything and everywhere, flowers, sun, wind and snow….You are home now, and I will know where to find you again and again …..