Thursday, February 19, 2015

Only human ....

Only human....

To Love and think you love
To give yourself to death
To give yourself with what you are
Yet see death creeping from far
You love and cry, and die ....

In front of broken mirrors you stood tall
Inhaling all the love and pain and yet you  didn't fall
We walked in silence oceans apart
And walked together in my heart ....

A love as deep as the ocean
As pure as snow
With you , I felt it , it was real, and I Know.....

As tears are flooding my skin
My heart is choking within
I want to scratch the end of this this pain
But all in vain ....

You left me naked and alone
My heart is seeking a home...

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Can't breathe ............

I am numb ...... 

On the 9th September 2013 I wrote a very confused post about an artist that I met and the effect his work had on me…Little did I know that day! He entered my life like a hurricane and left the same way…..He came in and carved love on my heart, and then he left, he went home where he belongs…to the stars and the heavens above…..

Before I met him I was so focused on my work, my studies…I was running through life without enjoying, without stopping to smell the roses…as if I was on a self-destruction mission. Our special journey started that day, as I fell in love with no hope of going back…I did not believe in love, and here I was mesmerized by this man …Why?

How could I not? He was an artist, a successful business man, a loving friend, a chef, a designer, a baker, an idealist, a philosopher, a poet….But most important he was GENUINE. He followed his heart and his principles till the end of the time, he could see beauty in the darkest times, and he could see the light even if it was raining darkness all around……He was a great man worthy of a book ……

We shared so many moments of joy but also sadness. I never thought I could spend months of my life caring for someone with terminal cancer, yet I did, and it was a great period of my life. Because he made it all so ‘fun’, even thought he was the one suffering, he would put on a brave face for all of us, and act as if he was the healthiest man on Earth. I will never forget the 1st time we went to the hospital together, I was so shocked and sad to see people dying all around me. An 18 floors hospital dedicated to cancer. I could never be more thankful to all the doctors and nurses that dedicate their lives to saving these people.

So our routine began, each week tests, then chemo, then drugs after drugs … I moved to Canada to be next to him and support him, even though my own life was falling into pieces, I invested myself body and soul, and if I had to, I would do it all over again with the same love and care.  And even though he was tired, and unwell, he never lost his faith in life, his principles and his love.

At times I would hide in the bathroom and cry, because I didn't want him to see me, or I would talk behind his back with his family and friends about how worried I was, or how good he was doing….He was such a stubborn man, oh how many nights did I spend worrying, and he wouldn't let me call his doctors….He always had to do it his way, and I loved him for that, even though at times he would drive me insane and worried.

We used to spend hours staring out the window, and talking. I would always hope he would get in a mood to tell me stories or ideas, dreams….because they were all so unique, so pure, so true and close to his heart. I felt like I was living a dream, a story, as if it wasn't real most of the time.

I remember how I used to trick him into eating, or when we had cooking competitions…..I was even allowed to go alone into his little ‘heaven’ and create myself, he let me bake…..If you knew Manoucher, you will know what this means… much it meant for him, but also for me.

On our good days we used to go for long walks in London, discover little gems all over the place, and spend time with his family & friends….listen to stories, smell the roses. He also had so much fun watching me get into arguments with the border patrol, or dance around naked ……

Like any relationship we had fights, and arguments, because we were so different yet so similar…’s hard to describe.

I gave myself to him and I learned how to love again, to love life , to love myself…..There are so many stories to tell, I could probably write a book, and so many things I would never share with the world , because they are so private and close to my heart. My life with him was a different level of living and perceiving everything around.

Here I am today, alone again, thinking of him day in and out…Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes, sometimes I smile by remembering his smile…. I am lucky I love my work, and it keeps me so busy, yet sometimes I stare at my screen and hold my tears back, they just come for no reason of when I least expect it. Some days I am so numb, like it is not happening, expecting for him to call me any moment. Sometimes I feel so guilty for smiling, for living life without him. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to tell him how much I loved him, and last time we talked he was angry with me because I simply did not want to leave his side.

On the last 100 metres he pushed me away, and I was so hurt. I have given up everything for him, yet he didn't want me there anymore. It took me a while to understand he was doing it to protect me. He didn't want me to see him go…..It was hard to accept but I always respected his wish……even though it killed me inside.

He was such a mysterious man, and his ways were so complicated to the simple mind, I know that he will always be here with me, and   I know that his impact on my life did not stop the moment he stopped breathing, I know and I feel it in my heart that this was a great chapter of my book, that was meant to change my life…….

As I write this I feel sad, and guilty and I have so many regrets, but at the same time I know it was out of my hands, I cannot fight nature when it’s calling….
I don’t really know what I am supposed to feel, or what I am supposed to do. I drown myself in work, and I know he would be very proud to see me succeed. Sometimes I try and go out and enjoy, and sometimes I do, but then I come home and cry for hours feeling guilty. The only way I can feel I can let go of the anger is dancing, but then I feel guilty for dancing and letting go…..

I have the feeling that this is not over, a weird feeling that something must happen, or maybe I just need to say my goodbye, but I don’t know how and I don’t want to….I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to forget….. I know that he wanted me to live my life, and he told me so , but I didn't want to listen ….and I know that my happiness would make him happy , when he is watching over me from the Heaven above, but I am not ready……

I feel so lonely and sad, once you let yourself loved it’s hard to live without it.

I know that time will heal, and I know he will always be in heart, yet the pain I feel right now…….

I see you in everything and everywhere, flowers, sun, wind and snow….You are home now, and I will know where to find you again and again …..


Monday, December 22, 2014

The life of a raindrop

The life of a raindrop .....

The life of a raindrop
As short as it may be
It's more intense than one can see
Tear drop is born
As easy as bleeding from a thorn
Clouds making love
Attraction and anger
Storm conceived by the twist of a hanger
Its only purpose to fall from the sky
To save us mortals, predestined to die
A muse for the wind
Siberian roughness
Used and abused , invasion of darkness

At times  it lands on the leaf of the tree
Happy for a moment, as brief as it may be
Explosion of colour, texture and feeling
Passion and love bleeding
Raindrop making love with the tree
As short and intense as it may be
The raindrop falls to the ground
Fulfilling its purpose without making a sound …..

Transcending time and space
Raindrops cleaning the  sins of the human race
Again and again , with no regrets and remorse
Dusting away  vulgarity dressed up as corpse
It dies …. then it flies
Dies only to be reborn
To bleed again and again when stung by a thorn
To remind the world that there is no black and white
It  only takes fraction of a second a fire to ignite…..

The life of a raindrop as short as it may be

It's  more powerful  than you and I can see….

Thursday, November 20, 2014

A tree.......

A Tree..........

If you asked me what I want to be 
Very easy, I'd be a tree...
Reaching my branches to the sky 
Imagining I can fly 
Feeding my roots in the ground 
Exploding of joy, yet silent, making no sound......

A silent tree 
That belongs to the world , yet to nobody 
A tree that changes it's colors but not it's soul
Full of compassion that springs from a never ending fox hole 

Surviving sun, thunder and rain
Being the silent witness of love and pain....
Dancing with the wind
Melting with the sun 
Sculpting with ice and snow
Watching the delicate creatures bellow 

So if you asked me what I wanted to be 
The answer is easy ...

A Tree!

Un arbre conçu du bonheur
Qui voit toutes tes peines et  douleurs
Qui guérit  toutes tes blessures
Et donne d’amour sans mesure ...

Monday, November 3, 2014

Keep walking.....

Keep walking…..

You wake up one day and the world is not the way it used to be, or at least not how you remember it. You walk through a valley of pain and wonder if all the walking was in vain….
Sometimes life hits hard, from all directions, with all power and strength, and sometimes as much as we want to grab hold of life we cannot…. Some fights are not ours to fight, as some breaths are not ours to take. We can only live and learn, and give unconditionally, give, give and give …..Because giving is priceless..........
I thought I was giving, and maybe I was, or maybe I was wrong…. But I know I have a lot more to give, until there is no more air to breathe…..And one day I know it will be... just a  priceless memory..... diamonds are made of tears and pain.............

Upside down …. I fail to drown

Upside down
Inside out
Scream, cry, dance and let it all out.
Rivers of tears
Clusters of anger
Heart drying on a hanger ….

Right and wrong
The smell is too strong
Jasmine oil, cold skin
The never-ending fight within ….

Stones and bones
Flowers and trees
To stay in prison?
Or set yourself free?

Just BE ………

Monday, September 9, 2013

When emotions hit you hard ....

When emotions hit you hard ...

Back in London....
I meet a friend and I end up in an emotional paradise, a home of an artist..... I walk in and I feel nervous , all these works of art in front of me....I did not expect this.
The artist , a bohemian man with colorful wardrobe, that sleeps on the floor, and maybe had one too many glasses of wine.... I let myself feel, I am overwhelmed with emotion .....I am not in a museum I am in a someone's home....ART IN CONTEXT....I meet the man I see his work....
A funny character, he steals me from my friends and  takes me to the local pub, introduces me to his friends ...I felt embarrassed and left....
We exchanged few words, but I feel his art talked to me more than words will ever ......Emotion, emotion, emotion......I have never felt so disturbed and happy at the same time.....I leave, I am still buzzing.
I visited countless museums , but nothing compares to this. Art is supposed to stir emotions, and so it has, never felt so connected with a piece of art before....I need to let it out ...
I come home and draw like crazy, my hands are shaking , I can't think straight, whats wrong with me?
Whats wrong with me?

This is what came out of it ......I hate it !!!!!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Back in London..........

Here I am back in London..... dwelling for weeks...staring at my drawing pads, remembering Paris..............
I could never be more grateful for the liberating experience that I had with the drawing group of my soul, my life will never be the same....
But here I am now, so numb and sad, and busy, and tired....overwhelmed with feelings and fear and love....

I miss you all so much it hurts........

Have not touched a pencil in weeks and I  feel sad and lonely.

To stare?
When you have it in your hand
And you know it can melt in a second
Do you stop and stare?
 Is it enough to know it’s there?
Or should you look and walk away
Letting your numb glaze stray?
Covered in light, but still you can’t see
The poison behind the possibility 
Eyes wide open and dusty skin
The most difficult fight is the one within
Daggers of feelings, chaos of color
Useless thoughts that don’t worth a dollar
You walk and you walk
But never talk
And once again you  feel  it
Its there...
Is it time to move on,  or stare in despair.....?!!??!!